Dating and Dealing with Jealousy....How to overcome this war within

The form of jealousy that has recently surfaced in my life was what I like to call "Romantic Jealousy". I will be listing several useful and practical tips on overcoming jealousy in a romantic relationship.. Jealousy is an angry feeling that stems from a belief that there is only a finite amount of love to go around and that your source of love is being diminished by the presence of another person. This means that it is an emotion that has evolved to protect one's resources, particularly love and nurturing. It is an unpleasant emotion to experience and is very hard to shake. Jealousy can be either rational or irrational. Rational jealousy arises when one's love and nurturing resources are being diverted by another. On the other hand, irrational jealousy is when you perceive your love and nurturing resources to be diverted, when in fact they are not. Similarly, irrational jealousy occurs when you are not really contractually entitled to that love and nurturing. In some ways, rational jealousy is a useful emotion to alert you to the need to communicate your needs to your loved one and remind them that you need their love and nurturing. But irrational jealousy means that your emotions are not based on a fair appraisal of the situation, and that you are wasting your energies. Possibly, this could lead to the destruction of an already existing relationship, or the loss of an opportunity to develop a relationship. And this is where I discovered there was an inward struggle of irrational jealousy taking place within me. I recently started dating this really amazing guy. I would even consider him to be rare, simply because he's a great communicator very patient, kind and understanding. But the strangest thing is I have always wanted a man that could be open and honest with me about everything. And this guy is totally upfront and honest. Upon sharing with me I found myself getting irrationally jealous. It's a very raging sort of emotion as if a volcano erupted on the inside of you. And this problem of mines has nothing to do with him. Once I made the decision to confront the emotion I realized where it was rooted from and immediately began to search out a solution. And in my search I discovered several very helpful tools. [1] Irrational jealousy can poison any relationship. For example, it can ruin good communication between people, causing a downward spiral of unfounded arguments and fights. Clear, sensitive open communication is the key. Talk, express your needs and what you are willing to give. Be a peacemaker. Be a solution finder, not an accuser. Make sure that you are not basing such an unpleasant emotion on insufficient evidence.What I mean by that is jumping to conclusions without knowing the entire story. [2]Irrational jealousy indicates insecurity in a person’s self-worth and lack of confidence in his or her ability to attract and keep a partner interested. A lover who suspects a partner of unfaithfulness without having real evidence of that could literally “terrorize” him or her by constantly accusing and questioning. This could even lead to a self-fulfilling prophet, being suspicious lack of trust, and questioning your partner about his whereabouts in an investigating manner cause unnecessary fighting, conflicts an eventually break-ups of relationships that otherwise had great potential to develop and prosper. Don’t let this happen to you. If you believe that you subject your partner to your jealousy, start working on eliminating it immediately. [3]Ironically, some people may develop jealousy when their relationship is great and they are very happy with their partner. Their jealousy and their possessiveness is a side effect of their desire not to lose something that is very special and very precious to them. And the more precious their partner is to them, the more carefully people guard him / her by being jealous. That concern and fear of loss of someone very rare and special leads people to over protecting it. [4]Eliminating jealousy is not a quick process. Jealousy is a trait of character, a frame of mind and an emotion, and as such – getting rid of it is a gradual evolution that requires work, self-reflection, patience, and persistence. It's okay when those feelings arise for you to take a moment evaluate it. And self examine, ask yourself where is this feeling coming from and is it valid. Afterwards take control of the emotion by reminding yourself of the joy or happiness this person brings you and realize they were created to give love away and they have more than enough available to give. [5]The great news is that the rewards of dealing with and overcoming jealousy will likely keep you free of jealousy for the rest of your life and will make your future relationships much more successful.And know that you are not alone, I'm actually on this journey along with you. You and I are both learning together. Steps to Overcoming Jealousy [1] The first and the most important step in dealing with jealousy is, like with many other issues is recognizing that you have a problem. Most people who have jealousy issues are in denial and refuse to admit that their behavior and perception are irrational and their lack of trust is unsubstantiated by any real facts. Recognizing that you have a problem is essential to your motivation to work on it and to your success in overcoming jealousy. Once you have passed this crucial first step and have recognized that you are jealous, it may be in your best interests to adopt the following, proven-to-be-effective beliefs which will gradually eliminate your jealousy and all of its manifestations [2] If a man or a woman wants to cheat, he / she will find a way to cheat, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So, stop it! Stop assuming the worst about him. Stop wondering where he is and what he is doing at any given moment! Assume the best about your partner and his faithfulness to you until and unless you have real reasons to believe otherwise. [3]Keep in mind that the only reason, the only thing that keeps your partner around you is his desire to be with you. Nothing else keeps either of you near each other. And his desire to be with you comes NOT from your pressure, your being jealous or your attempts to convince him to be faithful to you but from your other qualities that make you attractive and desirable.Even if you have to take a moment with pen and paper and write out your greatest qualities.What attracted your mate to you, that is where you shine the best so shine. Your efforts to keep your partner have no positive effect on your relationship. If anything, it might put excess pressure on that person - something that no one enjoys and tolerates for very long. Remember that the best “leash” is the loose one or even better – a total absence thereof. To remove your mind from jealous thoughts, become a little more selfish. Spend more of your time and your emotional and intellectual resources on building yourself as an individual rather than perceiving yourself as part of the relationship. Work on your career and your other goals. Take a class in a field that you have an interest in, learn a new language, engage in a form of creative art, take a dance class, and do anything else that you have or might have an interest in, so that there is more to your life than just that relationship, and so that your life does not revolve around any given person and his faithfulness to you. Pursuing other objectives of your life will prevent you from obsessing over your partner and will keep you in a much healthier emotional state, free of jealousy. [4] By getting rid of jealousy, you will exhibit some of the most attractive qualities in you: your common sense, your confidence in yourself and in your ability to attract the other person and maintain his exclusive romantic interest in you, your value as a wise person, and your confidence in your partner’s feelings. Don’t miss out on such an easy way to demonstrate those great qualities by rising far above jealousy. Fly above the jealousy of that emotion. As a woman I will admit I am an emotional being. But upon learning this I have made a mission to take control of my emotions. And place a guard over my mouth not venting all of my feelings. When I feel this way I discovered journaling is very therapeutic along with prayer. [5] Remember, there is no insurance policy or collection agency for any relationship and jealousy certainly won't help make it more stable. Whether you are casually dating someone or are married, whether you have been together for one month or twenty years, it’s possible that your relationship will end at any time for a hundred possible reasons. Not to be negative, but you should be aware of the reality of all relationships. What does this mean to you? This means that you should enjoy and appreciate your relationships as long as they last but at the same time accept and embrace the possibility that any such relationship might be over one day. And if it is, it will be tough, but you will get over it.It will not be the end of the world for you. Your duty is being the best you can be in a relationship that you want to have. The rest is NOT up to you. The rest depends on your partner and you have no control over it, and whatever you have no control over, should not concern you or be a cause of your anxieties. The serenity prayer is great for this,God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time. [6] The Power of the "I am" affirmations are helpful as well (i.e. I am a great catch, I am unique) you get the picture. As you are successfully fighting jealousy, you will start experiencing tremendous freedom - the freedom to enjoy your love life without the taxing pain of jealousy and insecurity and the pleasure of giving your partner a better, wiser, stronger, and happier you!

"Putting Boundaries into place... in order to Establish Heathy Relationships"

Let's first start with what are boundaries?...Boundaries are

plural bound·aries

Definition of BOUNDARY

: something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent

bound·ary·less \-ləs\ adjective

bound·ary·less·ness noun

Examples of BOUNDARY

1. Those two trees mark the boundary of our property.
2. The river forms the country's western boundary.
3. at the boundary between fact and fiction
4. You need to set boundaries with your children.
5. Did he violate the boundaries of the doctor-patient relationship?

Origin of BOUNDARY

First Known Use: 1598

Related to BOUNDARY

Synonyms: bound, limit, cap, ceiling, confines, end, extent, limitation, line, termination

The purpose of the boundaries within relationships rather that relationship is with your children, family members, friends or significant other are put in place to create healthy relationships. When there aren't boundaries you leave yourself open to be taken advantage of or to compromise your beliefs for the other party. Now there is a danger that takes place in boundless relationships.Most often those who have neglected to establish boundaries or in layman's term lines that can't be crossed. Those individuals who may suffer with issues of insecurities and self-esteem . And there may be someone reading this post, whom just may say ..."I don't have self -esteem issues neither am I insecure. Well, speaking from experience People who struggle with insecurities or  low self-esteem have the most major difficulties in relationships with others. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people. The reason, for this inability, is that with low self-esteem comes a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions which leads people to lose themselves in relationships with others. This absorption of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. People with low self-esteem have a weakened "internal control" and become dependent on a strong "external control." They become victims to being controlled by how others think, feel  and act towards them. People with low self-esteem are dependent on others' approval and recognition and therefore fearful of  being rejected  by and conflict with others. It has been estimated in the self-esteem literature that over 90 percent of us are suffering from low self-esteem at one degree or another. Therefore most people in relationships are currently suffering from low self-esteem or recovering from it

The next thing I would love for you to evaluate is just how healthy are the current relationships in your life? Have you made sure to set these boundaries physically,intellectually,spiritually, emotionally and for some financially. Now after setting forth these boundaries, Just how effective are you in maintaining them. Have you allowed any of you individual relationships to become intrusive or persuasive. Causing you to compromise your boundaries and afterwards you use unhealthy, compulsive or addictive behaviors as a barrier or unhealthy boundary to protect yourself from intimacy with your relationship partners (i. e. significant other, family etc.)?...How well do you stay unhooked and detached when your relationship partners are working you over to lower your boundaries in the relationships? Does your inability to maintain healthy intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual boundaries with your relationship partners frighten you? When you consider trying to maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships without the use of body weight, food or some other compulsive behaviors to protect and medicate you in the process, are you scared? Would you prefer to stay stuck in using your unhealthy distancing techniques than to work on learning how to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships? If the answer is yes to any of the above questions, than yes it's time you  strengthen your boundaries with your relationship partners to enrich or regain the health of your relationships.

Here are helpful tools you may use to evaluate the relationships in your life. You will need a pen and paper for this exercise: List the various relationships within your life. Example: My relationship with my children, what healthy boundaries have I set for them and in another column what unhealthy boundaries have I set for them and yes, there is such a thing as unhealthy vs. healthy boundaries. An unhealthy boundary with your child per say would be allowing the child to eat things that aren't beneficial for their health ( candy, junk food) excessively, by giving in to their cries or temper tantrums. Well, setting a healthy boundary in situations such as this would be upon their temper tantrum their should be consequences for unacceptable behavior.

The following are Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship
The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, non punitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship. You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship. You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship. A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directness with plan and order. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other person. This relationship makes you free from the "paralysing of analysis" needing to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people's feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money. A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth . It isn't intimidated by your individuality but supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both  partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend. The relationship partners understand how to be sensitive to certain areas that could trigger hostility and anger. To maintain this healthy relationship, when issues arise discuss them. Be sure to use words that restrain from causing the other to become defensive. Such as, when this happened I began to feel as though______but most importantly how did it make you feel? By allowing both partners to share their feelings it strengthens the communication. Also, never address an issue unless you have a solution. Remember not to leave loose ends. It will only cause things to further become undone.

Use the following questions with your relationship partner(s) to discuss the issue of intimacy:
* Does our relationship sound, look and feel like this description?
* What factors impede our ability to have this kind of relationship?
If relationship partners, who are married, are not able to establish a healthy intimate relationship then they run the risk of not being able to establish a healthy sexually intimate relationship with each other.
* Is this true in our relationship?
* Do we have good times together, but fail at being emotionally, spiritually and physically intimate?
* Do we have an openly affectionate relationship with healthy emotionally based communication or do we just do things together, with no communication or affection giving?
* How important is it to you to have healthy intimacy in our relationship?

Wise Words

Between men and women there is more than  friendship. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, much more than friendship.
 -- Unknown

Relationship Quiz: Are You Emotionally Unavailable?

1. You know you have strong, sincere feelings for a new guy you're dating. When do you tell him?

  I never tell him because it never happens. "Strong, sincere feelings" are for suckers!

  I tell him the second I feel it, even if it's only been a week. I don't hold anything back

  Just to be safe, I wait until I get a sense of how strongly he feels for me.

2. When it comes to relationships, you tend to:

4. When you're seeing someone new and you've both been busy, how do you keep in touch?

 We're never out of touch. I call him several times a day and let him know everything that's going on.

 I'll try calling him once in the evening just to let him know I'm thinking about him.

 IM'ing, text messages and E-mail. I'm not very good at talking. It's too awkward for me.

5. Your new guy reveals that he wants to introduce you to his parents. What do you say?

 I tell him I'll consider it ... and then I never answer his calls again.

 If I really like the guy, I'll take him up on his offer. I want to see if he'll still have his hair when he's his dad's age.

 I've already met his Parents! I introduced myself as his girlfriend when we ran into them at the grocery store.

6. How do you feel about marriage?

 I've been planning the big day since I was four. Now all I need is Mr. Right.

 Marriage is not in my future. How can I settle on just one person for the rest of my life?

 It's something that's always in the back of my mind. I'll be happy when I find the right guy to make the   plunge with.

7. You've been dating someone for 6 months. One night over dinner he says he loves you. How do you react?

 If it felt right, I'd say it back. Chances are I feel the same after 6 months of being together.

 Finally! I've been saying it for 6 months already!

 I'd say, "Aww, thanks. Check please."

8. What has been your longest relationship?

 A little over 2 years. He seemed afraid of commitment, so I cut my losses.

 Six months, 1 week and 4 days - but who's counting?

 I don't really like the term "relationship."

9. In an ideal world, how old would you be when you settled down? 

 I would have married my high school sweetheart after graduation and avoided all of this dating nonsense. I don't have an ideal age for settling down. It'll happen when it does.

Well, I mean ... I don't know ... maybe ... uh, never.

10. What is your idea of the perfect boyfriend?

 Someone who gives me my space and doesn't always ask where our relationship is going. Ugh, I hate that! Someone who is level-headed, realistic and who doesn't play games.

 Someone who's a romantic and wants to get married and start a family right away.

Submit your email address for test results

Helpful Sites

10 Dangerous Mistakes Women Make That Ruin The Perfect Relationship CatchHimAndKeepHim.com

Inspiration in Action! Try the Only Social Network for Empowered Women. BraveHeartWomen.com

7 Secrets to Rebuilding Trust. "I suggest you read this..." http://googleads.g.doubleclick.net/aclk?sa=l&ai=Bj6oO4QSMTbGvJo6X6Qb31Jn1Drm9pOQB0eKwrRy1jv73K5ChDxAEGAQgj7CkECgEOABQs6Sw2Pj_____AWDJlveM5KSsE6AB0ZHf_gOyARJ3d3cubGl2ZXN0cm9uZy5jb23IAQHaAVlodHRwOi8vd3d3LmxpdmVzdHJvbmcuY29tL2FydGljbGUvMTQ2ODgtZXN0YWJsaXNoaW5nLWhlYWx0aHktYm91bmRhcmllcy1pbi1yZWxhdGlvbnNoaXBzL4ACAagDAegD_wPoA-sI6APsCfUDAAAARPUDAABAAA&num=4&sig=AGiWqtxM7OFlpcK_dnbAMAqgOoXaf38XkA&client=ca-livestrong_html&adurl=http://www.MortFertel.com/cmd.asp%3Faf%3D1131274

Improving Parenting Skills through communication with your children www.parentfurther.com

 Get my heart broken often. Is it really that bad to discuss marriage and babies on the first date?

 Avoid them at all costs. They're suffocating and stifling.

 Take them slow. If I don't rush the guy who makes my coffee in the morning, why would I rush love?

 
3. You've been dating your guy for a month. How do you introduce him to your friends?

 I jokingly say, "This is _____, the man of the hour."

 "This is my fiancé, he just doesn't know it yet."

 "This is my friend ____, we met at a bar."