Dating and Dealing with Jealousy....How to overcome this war within

The form of jealousy that has recently surfaced in my life was what I like to call "Romantic Jealousy". I will be listing several useful and practical tips on overcoming jealousy in a romantic relationship.. Jealousy is an angry feeling that stems from a belief that there is only a finite amount of love to go around and that your source of love is being diminished by the presence of another person. This means that it is an emotion that has evolved to protect one's resources, particularly love and nurturing. It is an unpleasant emotion to experience and is very hard to shake. Jealousy can be either rational or irrational. Rational jealousy arises when one's love and nurturing resources are being diverted by another. On the other hand, irrational jealousy is when you perceive your love and nurturing resources to be diverted, when in fact they are not. Similarly, irrational jealousy occurs when you are not really contractually entitled to that love and nurturing. In some ways, rational jealousy is a useful emotion to alert you to the need to communicate your needs to your loved one and remind them that you need their love and nurturing. But irrational jealousy means that your emotions are not based on a fair appraisal of the situation, and that you are wasting your energies. Possibly, this could lead to the destruction of an already existing relationship, or the loss of an opportunity to develop a relationship. And this is where I discovered there was an inward struggle of irrational jealousy taking place within me. I recently started dating this really amazing guy. I would even consider him to be rare, simply because he's a great communicator very patient, kind and understanding. But the strangest thing is I have always wanted a man that could be open and honest with me about everything. And this guy is totally upfront and honest. Upon sharing with me I found myself getting irrationally jealous. It's a very raging sort of emotion as if a volcano erupted on the inside of you. And this problem of mines has nothing to do with him. Once I made the decision to confront the emotion I realized where it was rooted from and immediately began to search out a solution. And in my search I discovered several very helpful tools. [1] Irrational jealousy can poison any relationship. For example, it can ruin good communication between people, causing a downward spiral of unfounded arguments and fights. Clear, sensitive open communication is the key. Talk, express your needs and what you are willing to give. Be a peacemaker. Be a solution finder, not an accuser. Make sure that you are not basing such an unpleasant emotion on insufficient evidence.What I mean by that is jumping to conclusions without knowing the entire story. [2]Irrational jealousy indicates insecurity in a person’s self-worth and lack of confidence in his or her ability to attract and keep a partner interested. A lover who suspects a partner of unfaithfulness without having real evidence of that could literally “terrorize” him or her by constantly accusing and questioning. This could even lead to a self-fulfilling prophet, being suspicious lack of trust, and questioning your partner about his whereabouts in an investigating manner cause unnecessary fighting, conflicts an eventually break-ups of relationships that otherwise had great potential to develop and prosper. Don’t let this happen to you. If you believe that you subject your partner to your jealousy, start working on eliminating it immediately. [3]Ironically, some people may develop jealousy when their relationship is great and they are very happy with their partner. Their jealousy and their possessiveness is a side effect of their desire not to lose something that is very special and very precious to them. And the more precious their partner is to them, the more carefully people guard him / her by being jealous. That concern and fear of loss of someone very rare and special leads people to over protecting it. [4]Eliminating jealousy is not a quick process. Jealousy is a trait of character, a frame of mind and an emotion, and as such – getting rid of it is a gradual evolution that requires work, self-reflection, patience, and persistence. It's okay when those feelings arise for you to take a moment evaluate it. And self examine, ask yourself where is this feeling coming from and is it valid. Afterwards take control of the emotion by reminding yourself of the joy or happiness this person brings you and realize they were created to give love away and they have more than enough available to give. [5]The great news is that the rewards of dealing with and overcoming jealousy will likely keep you free of jealousy for the rest of your life and will make your future relationships much more successful.And know that you are not alone, I'm actually on this journey along with you. You and I are both learning together. Steps to Overcoming Jealousy [1] The first and the most important step in dealing with jealousy is, like with many other issues is recognizing that you have a problem. Most people who have jealousy issues are in denial and refuse to admit that their behavior and perception are irrational and their lack of trust is unsubstantiated by any real facts. Recognizing that you have a problem is essential to your motivation to work on it and to your success in overcoming jealousy. Once you have passed this crucial first step and have recognized that you are jealous, it may be in your best interests to adopt the following, proven-to-be-effective beliefs which will gradually eliminate your jealousy and all of its manifestations [2] If a man or a woman wants to cheat, he / she will find a way to cheat, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So, stop it! Stop assuming the worst about him. Stop wondering where he is and what he is doing at any given moment! Assume the best about your partner and his faithfulness to you until and unless you have real reasons to believe otherwise. [3]Keep in mind that the only reason, the only thing that keeps your partner around you is his desire to be with you. Nothing else keeps either of you near each other. And his desire to be with you comes NOT from your pressure, your being jealous or your attempts to convince him to be faithful to you but from your other qualities that make you attractive and desirable.Even if you have to take a moment with pen and paper and write out your greatest qualities.What attracted your mate to you, that is where you shine the best so shine. Your efforts to keep your partner have no positive effect on your relationship. If anything, it might put excess pressure on that person - something that no one enjoys and tolerates for very long. Remember that the best “leash” is the loose one or even better – a total absence thereof. To remove your mind from jealous thoughts, become a little more selfish. Spend more of your time and your emotional and intellectual resources on building yourself as an individual rather than perceiving yourself as part of the relationship. Work on your career and your other goals. Take a class in a field that you have an interest in, learn a new language, engage in a form of creative art, take a dance class, and do anything else that you have or might have an interest in, so that there is more to your life than just that relationship, and so that your life does not revolve around any given person and his faithfulness to you. Pursuing other objectives of your life will prevent you from obsessing over your partner and will keep you in a much healthier emotional state, free of jealousy. [4] By getting rid of jealousy, you will exhibit some of the most attractive qualities in you: your common sense, your confidence in yourself and in your ability to attract the other person and maintain his exclusive romantic interest in you, your value as a wise person, and your confidence in your partner’s feelings. Don’t miss out on such an easy way to demonstrate those great qualities by rising far above jealousy. Fly above the jealousy of that emotion. As a woman I will admit I am an emotional being. But upon learning this I have made a mission to take control of my emotions. And place a guard over my mouth not venting all of my feelings. When I feel this way I discovered journaling is very therapeutic along with prayer. [5] Remember, there is no insurance policy or collection agency for any relationship and jealousy certainly won't help make it more stable. Whether you are casually dating someone or are married, whether you have been together for one month or twenty years, it’s possible that your relationship will end at any time for a hundred possible reasons. Not to be negative, but you should be aware of the reality of all relationships. What does this mean to you? This means that you should enjoy and appreciate your relationships as long as they last but at the same time accept and embrace the possibility that any such relationship might be over one day. And if it is, it will be tough, but you will get over it.It will not be the end of the world for you. Your duty is being the best you can be in a relationship that you want to have. The rest is NOT up to you. The rest depends on your partner and you have no control over it, and whatever you have no control over, should not concern you or be a cause of your anxieties. The serenity prayer is great for this,God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time. [6] The Power of the "I am" affirmations are helpful as well (i.e. I am a great catch, I am unique) you get the picture. As you are successfully fighting jealousy, you will start experiencing tremendous freedom - the freedom to enjoy your love life without the taxing pain of jealousy and insecurity and the pleasure of giving your partner a better, wiser, stronger, and happier you!